1. OneOneThousand

    I’ve been wrestling with this for a little over a week now. This idea. or motive to write. 

    trying to incorporate a song like I used to. one that had been standing out to me lately. 

    But nothing came to mind. nothing recent at least. Then it hit me. 

    oneonethousand

    My Forfeit

    I know I’m not trying as hard as I should and could be. I’m not showing you how much I really care. 

    “My body will fall before I let you down” 

    I will continue to try. I will continue to pray and seek salvation and strength and guidance. 

    Right now, I am just a burden of my formal self. trying to make my life right. Trying to find a transformation through grace and truth. 

    I am sickened by my sins and who I’ve been. 

    “this body is so heavy. yet I stand, with blistered feet and bleeding knees”

    So I’m declaring, to myself and to anyone who cares enough to have read this far, that the old me; the one who lied and cheated and was faithless- he is dead. He’s gone and not coming back. 

    I’m declaring that me. The me here right now, is determined to be a good person. someone who is honorable, and compassionate, and committed. and that I’m ready to take on this new life. 

    “…I stare straight into the sun. With fists clenched, ready to take flight”

    So the message I had thought up days ago for this relevance was not mentioned. and maybe in a day or two I’ll find a way to get that out too. but I’ll end with a larger portion of the song My Forfeit

    “There’s still light where you are and you my dear were not made to waste away. I saw the storm reach from the sky to the ground as dark as the day was bright. I can’t go into this alone. My body will fall before I let you down, I know all about your weeping heart.”

    I know that I let everyone down. Especially you. 

    I will fight for you. I will fight for us. because I have faith in this. in us. in you. and in me. 

    “I’d rather die than know what I would be without. Rather hold the line at fear. With one voice we’ll sing together”

    2. 3 weeks ago  Notes (0)

  2. A Series of Confessions: Part II “Therapy”

    So I started therapy a couple weeks ago. It’s been relaxing and helpful to have someone to talk to that is not a part of the experiences I’m sharing. My therapist is the same lady I saw in high school, the one that encouraged me to write. She’s given me ideas and techniques to help control my panic attacks, given me suggestions as to how to de stress my life to lower my anxiety. Overall things are going good with therapy. She thinks I should quit my job because it only makes things worse. I definitely agree with her.

    I’m excited to start to see and feel like I’m making progress in all areas of my life with the help of Dr. Mortensen.

    3. 1 month ago  Notes (0)

  3. Late Night Sign

    I have been praying a lot tonight. Me. Praying to God. Asking for a sign of hope. That I can do this. That I can become a better man.

    And a guy came into work, not 10 minutes later. Looking sad and distraught. Not being any of my business I didn’t ask what was wrong. But he asked me if I was married. I said no, but he was desperate for advice and help. So he continued with, “can I ask you something anyways?” So I let him. He asked “if you and you’re wife had a fight over something small, but made it into something big, and she left and moved back with her parents… What would you do? Would you say what’s done is done and right is right? Or would you fight for her love?” I didn’t have to hesitate. I replied “if it was with my wife, it’d mean I was in love with her. And that would mean I’d fight until the day I die like I vowed to at our wedding. Nothing would stop me from showing her I love her and that she was worth the struggle of fighting to get her back” The man started crying and said thank you. And as he started to leave I followed up with “God luck” and he said “yeah, you too” If that isn’t a clear sign from God, I don’t know what is. Grant it, Sara and I didn’t have a little fight that was expanded into a huge one. I cheated on her. And broke her heart. But I still believe that the love we shared, and still do, is worth any battles or struggles. I know I messed up. And that she is no where to be blamed. and I know that the hell I have to go through to make any progress at regaining any trust or love will be worth it if one day I get to say “I do”.

    I know no one cares about my posts or my feelings anymore. Because I’ve proven to be a monster. But I hope that someone sees this and has a slight sense of hope and faith. Whether in me, or Sara and I, or even if they can take this to heart and relate something personal to help then with it.

    4. 1 month ago  Notes (3)

  4. A Series of Confessions: Part I “The Internet”

    So last week my life fell to shit. And rightfully so. It was my fault, entirely. 

    I cheated of Sara. The girl that I love. The woman I want a future with. My best friend. I ruined all of those things by my selfish ignorance. By doing everything that I did I betrayed her trust. Broke her heart. and lost her love. 

    Because I was unfaithful. I am faithless. 

    I cheated on her with a girl I had known for a long time. Someone who I had fooled around with while I was dating Coley also. 

    That doesn’t excuse anything. That I had known her for so long. I don’t miss her ‘friendship’. I don’t miss anything about her. She was a person that I made horrible decisions with and don’t want anything to do with anymore. I don’t want to live a life like I used to. I was unfaithful and selfish. I broke Sara’s heart, and I can’t take back what I did. I will always live with that. And I may never forgive myself for the things I did. 

    I have found myself hating myself more and more every day because of this. I don’t want pity. Or hate. or even your attention for this. I just want to get this out and off of my chest as I start other ventures of seeking help and growth and faith. 

    I used to be a good person. A person people admired and looked up to even. A person people wanted to be around. Because I had faith in God, and myself. I gave up on that when my grandpa died. Because I didn’t see justice in his passing, or in the love (or lack there of) showed to him from the woman he loved. 

    I want to be a good person. 

    I want to forgive myself. 

    But neither are possible yet. Because I have to fight and fight and struggle through the hell that I’ve brought to myself by not showing my love to Sara. By not being a good boyfriend. or a good friend. or even a good person. 

    I’m going to go to Church for the first time in a really long time tomorrow. I start therapy on Monday. and I’m going to go to a support group on Tuesday. and then confession on Wednesday. these are all first steps that require a fresh and new confession in order to find hope. and progress. and myself. 

    I’m scared as hell to take these next steps. But I know that they are more than worth it because I know that by taking them, I have the chance to be with Sara again. and to build a new life and future. For myself. For her. And for us. And even though I’m terrified. I’m hopeful. I have a hint of faith in myself to become the man I know I can and should be. 

    5. 1 month ago  Notes (1)